everyone's getting married..
it seems as though everyone's getting engaged/married! it's crazy and in some cases, completely unexpected. like wth unexpected. i'm happy for my friend, though and hope that everything will turn out great, especially since it's gonna be a rather long engagement. it's just.. shocking. seems like such a hasty decision.. but who am i to judge? they know their relationship best after all. and she isn't exactly stupid or naive.

i feel like i'm in a better position to get married actually.. and even then, i don't think i'm ready to be married yet. then again, hers is merely an engagement and i'll definitely also accept a proposal if it comes my way. just that it's not coming anytime soon haha.

at least i have something to look forward to..

graduation, job applications, working life, marriage.. we're all growing up so quickly. i don't even know whether i'm considered old or young. haha i've even started calculating my future finances.. wr told me not to bother n claims that the money part will be handled by him. wth.

i've kinda 75% decided to join moe though. hopefully everything will work out smoothly. i had my doubts initially, but i've now decided it's probably going to be the best path to take.

and i've kinda been attending classes and trying a bunch of my tutorials. something i've never really done before.

i'm so mature. keep it up, umay!

i wish i can bring myself to exercise too.
Monday, February 8, 2010
12:55 a.m.

first new entry of hopefully many more
went out with shiting just now and she commented that she used to read my blog but i stopped blogging. i told her that i've got nothing to write and that's why i've stopped writing. i guess it isn't true because there wasn't much more in my life in the past as compared to now. i am just lazier and i guess for awhile already, i ceased to see the point in blogging.

i used to blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings and i suppose i've always enjoyed putting things down in words. i may be wrong, but i think i stopped blogging regularly around the time i got together with wr. i've always thought that it was because he has become my outlet. perhaps in a sense that is true, but another reason for my lack of blogging is that at some point or other, i guess the words stopped doing anything for me. putting down all my feelings and emotions became so difficult.. plus i didn't know what i should and should not put down. surely it's quite pointless to keep writing about being in love? love is after all, kept in the heart. and as for the sorrow i felt over the deaths of my grandma as well as rick, what i sought for was comfort beyond what words can give. i needed someone and not a screen. also, in general, i hardly blogged due to the lack of time to do so? i'm online much less regularly because i'm often at wr's place. and as banged up as my computer is, i much prefer using it to do my personal stuff.. it is just so.. familiar to me.

anyway, whatever the case is, maybe i'll try to blog more from now on. blogging allows me to be more introspective and talk about things (with myself haha) without being tied down to a single opinion. if that makes any sense. what i mean is, if i were to say something which crosses my mind, to someone else, the person is likely to agree or disagree with it and we'll have a discussion with each of us taking a particular side? (or the same side) but in many cases, it is simply a thought. nothing more, nothing less. definitely nothing to be worth judged for.

random but, do i often put myself in situations of potential danger? or is the potential danger simply assumed to exist? do we believe in good and let evidence tell us otherwise, or do we assume the worst till proven otherwise? when i was younger, i took it that in most cases, no one's really out to hurt you so it really isn't fair to suspect everyone of ill intentions. i wouldn't say that i've changed my perspective entirely, but subconsciously, i've grown more wary of others. or maybe in those cases, i've got reason to be wary?

a smile, a wave. what harm can it be? a smile and a friendly wave, even from a stranger (or sometimes, especially from a stranger), often makes the day seem a little brighter to me. it just makes the world seem warmer and friendlier. it's sad though, that apparently sometimes a smile and a wave isn't exactly the smartest thing to do. is believing in goodness a completely retarded thing to do in this time and age? you know, i don't know how we manage to be happy at all.. where is the love?

someone once told me that being in a relationship means that i should always take into account the other person's well being. always. meaning, in all my actions and decisions, i've to consider both perspectives. i have to say that, it doesn't come naturally to me at all. obviously if it is directly relevant to the person, in this case wr, i will consider his feelings and opinions in the issue and make my ultimate decision which may or may not be what he wants. but in many other cases, it barely even occurs to me that he'd be affected. is that wrong of me? or is the expectation unfair? i mean, how am i to even imagine that what which comes naturally and mean so little to me ends up mattering a million times more to another? am i expected to always inspect my actions in a variety of perspectives?

i've been called selfish and self-centered and someone has even cautioned me that all is likely to end if i don't change my mindset. i don't feel like i am really all that selfish and self centered.. i just feel that being in a relationship doesn't mean giving up autonomy. my decisions are mine ultimately. being in a relationship doesn't mean someone else should make your decisions for you, does it? and in my decision making, i consider all the factors that affect me. these factors include his feelings towards the matter (if i realise they exist), and also my own feelings towards the matter. i've to say though, that the "will it kill you if you don't -insert action-?" argument is rather annoying at times. sometimes matters which seem completely trivial to me (and hence obviously will not KILL me whichever my decision) somehow or other become extremely important. i understand that hence it shouldn't matter to me either way, but because it seems completely ridiculous to place such importance to such decisions, it doesn't seem quite right to give in either.

and in case you're wondering, i haven't just got into a fight. this is simply my opinion.. opinions which i'd much rather type out because there's no one to argue with me this way. after awhile, i stop arguing. i keep quiet. it's not good, i think. after awhile, i give in. sometimes i'm disgusted with how weak i am. i'm starting to have the mentality that some matters are really not worth losing relationships over. whether it's with wr or friendship.. is it true? i can't think why it isn't true.. but yet sometimes i still feel upset with myself for not standing up for what i believe in. although i've to say that if i really think i'm right, giving in is not admitting i'm wrong. all i do is just give up arguing and make peace.. and hope that somehow or other, we accept the differences as just differences and that these differences wouldn't eventually break things apart.

is it better this way? backing down. i used to be much more obstinate. maybe some will say this is the mature way to think but i don't think i've matured. it's more like, that are some thngs i really don't want to lose.

i question if it's healthy this way. am i giving up some part of myself? will i eventually give up all of myself just so not to lose these things? i don't know. all i know is that, i'm giving up my pride, little by little.

been so long since i've blogged and i've forgotten how blue i tend to sound after midnight. i've no idea who's gonna read this after being inactive for so long. a lot of what i've written, i wonder if i should have written at all. but i never did like censorship and i guess these are things i do want to express.

on a completely irrelevant note, i wonder if my writing has changed. i think i'll try to maintain this blog again. i do need the writing practice :p too little writing means i can barely spell now.. almost forgot how to spell "ancestor" that day. couldn't remember if it was "ancester" or "ancestor" -.- kill me now.

oh and i archived my prev entries so i can start this anew.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
12:35 a.m.