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holidayssss
i miss the little bungalow on the sea, the gorgeous sunsets, the clear waters with amazing fish, the night skies with millions of stars scattered all over... i miss the yummy vegetarian spaghetti, snorkelling every morning.. i miss not having to care about anything, a world with just me and you...

21 more days... a whole new place.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
11:26 a.m.

loved.
blissfully in love.
Monday, March 14, 2011
12:33 a.m.

end of 2010
2010 is ending well. i've graduated with adequately decent grades, i've found a job and will be posted to a school pretty nearby and we've managed to get a good queue number for a flat and will be choosing our flat tomorrow.

i'm really really glad.

hardly anyone knows that i pray, but i do. sometimes.

thank you.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
11:40 p.m.

most is well!
okay and so my future job is somewhat settled n in some aspects, pretty much beyond my control for the time being. just need to pull my grades a wee bit up to get a better pay.. pretty excited though! wonder which school i will be posted to.. hope everything will work out brilliantly (:

classes have been somewhat okay so far.. and i find that i actually do enjoy my modern optics class. for once in my life (sort of). although it's probably due to the fact that it seems pretty manageable so far. the lecturer just tries to dumb everything down which is great for me (: i usually end up zoning out n losing interest when i start getting lost.. so hopefully it wouldn't happen this time! need to work a little harder on my math class though. wouldn't say it completely eludes me, but the lecturer's style requires me to do some reading up to clarify some stuff i think.

the rest of my modules are okay so far too (: though writing the philo paper isn't that appealing at this moment.. oh well. but i think that given the way things are so far, it shouldn't be a problem pulling my grades up. cross my fingers.

sigh housing issue is more or less back at square one though. i'm hoping that some day we'll see this as a blessing in disguise.. it's still unclear what other options we will have, so we are preparing for the worst and gonna try to save enough money to be able to afford a small studio or something in a few years time.

natas fair on saturday! quite excited.. hope we can find a good deal for a holiday in december! (: time seems to pass quite quickly it's already the end of the 3rd week of school. the end of my nus days will arrive soon enough and i'm looking forward to celebrating that haha!

gah cramps :(

it occured to me yesterday that my blog's archives run all the way to the days when i was merely 15. and it'd be weird if my students next year manage to locate this blog and are bo liao enough to read the older entries.. they'll prob be about the same age as i was then! haha! but frankly, i don't feel much older than i was then, and it'd be weird to be seen as a different generation altogether.

maybe i should attempt to find a code to lock this blog.. definitely don't want to delete it or anything! oh well, i'll think about it when the time comes.. maybe i will just leave it as it is.

sentimental me..
Friday, August 27, 2010
01:37 a.m.

future future
for now, i'm excited about my future. i'm awaiting moe's response, and i certainly hope the response will be favourable. i really do want to teach. despite all the horror stories of the workload, i think i will like the environment far better than any office job. hopefully my expectations don't differ too much from reality. only a week or so more for me to receive confirmation about my job application.. wish me luck!

and of course, i'm looking forward to my graduation. university had its good moments, but frankly, it isn't my cup of tea. i don't really feel bonded to the school, the faculty or the department. most of the modules feel so tedious to me, and it's usually only when my good friends are taking modules with me that i vaguely look forward to attending class. i do appreciate the efforts of certain professors i have met along the way though. but i guess, to me, having friends around me is very important. perhaps my transfer situation has made it difficult to make proper friends in the department, and maybe things will be different had i made different decisions in the past. either way, the past has been cast in stone, and i just have to make the most out of it.

primary school, secondary school and jc were certainly more fun..

it's finally my last semester. while my grades are nothing to be proud of, i guess i have more or less survived so far. the good thing is, so far my modules seem fairly interesting and hopefully manageable. jia you to me! and may the semester zoom past..

and of course, i look forward to the results of the flat balloting, and hope that we get it. if we do, n if my job is settled, i guess my future will be more certain. i do have slightly doubts about the place, but i suppose we're in no position to pick n choose too much.

oh yeah, and my grad trip. choices.. so many choices. hope the natas fair has great deals (: looking forward to it! though it's only the beginning of the semester.. haha.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
12:13 a.m.

good luck
boo.. my face has mild rashes-like things.. redness n strange texture. and i refused to go out like that so i had to cover up with make up (which worked very well) but was probably not that great for the skin too. oh well. the dilemma. going out again tomorrow so hopefully it improves because i'm definitely going to put on make up tomorrow too. bleagh. did slather on moisturizer to hopefully improve the condition. hope it works!

hmm.. on a completely unrelated note, met up with a friend the other day. it was very pleasant. been a long while since it's been like that. i'm glad. and i hope things will continue to improve (:

played shogi with wr just now.. lost every game :( i think by nature, i don't plan so much in advance and i like to handle things as they come. not the best strategy for chess.. oh well. never said i was the best chess player after all. i generally know the rules, but just suck at it haha.

sigh. as usual, how we've grown. our 20+ years of life experiences have made us who we are today. the set backs we faced have taught us to expect less of the world around us so as not to be dismayed. moderating expectations.. settling. good or bad? who is to know what our choices will bring us?

but while our own expectations for ourselves are lowered, the ones who know us best and love us best will always hope for better on our behalf.

good luck to you.

and to the other you, i'm sorry i can't be of any help. then again, no one can.. please do take care of yourself. hugs.
Friday, August 6, 2010
02:14 a.m.

sentosa gathering
went to sentosa with a bunch of the vballers a few days back. despite the slightly cold n wet weather, i had plenty of fun and i wish days like this happen more often. i love how we can joke about so freely and just be our retarded selves. but more than that, i love how familiar everyone feels even though we may not have met up since a gazillion years ago. and i suppose this feeling wasn't mine alone since elsie seemed really pleased to yet again witness simin's serve.. the nostalgia of it all lol.

with people flying away to different countries ever so often, and everyone generally so busy with their studies (and soon, work), such gatherings are hard to come by. it's sad. and soon simin is flying off to uk for an indefinite period of time.. after the day in sentosa, it suddenly hit me that i will miss her, even though we haven't actually been in constant contact throughout these years.

while the day ended with my wrist sprained, my arms bruised and my muscles sore, i'm really glad to meet up with everyone again. to the rest who didn't manage to attend, i miss you guys plenty and hopefully we can arrange another gathering. some of us will prob meet during yog though! AND YOU ALL OWE YP MONEY.

okay, frankly i think the vballers don't really read this haha but just in case anyway.

i love the vballers. though we had so many up n downs throughout our jc days, i really do love so many of the vballers. maybe not everyone feels close to everyone else in the team, but i do and that's what matters right haha. n it's always a ton of fun hanging out with this group. loud fun, maybe. but fun anyway! (less loud without pamela n yiling lol)

oh well i'm always blogging at ridiculous hours. maybe coz i'm awake n there's hardly anyone to talk to. though i'm talking to darrell..

okay done blogging for the night..
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
02:02 a.m.

lmylc lol wth
caught a glimpse of some old entries in my livejournal and to be honest, i barely have any idea what my amazingly cryptic entries refer to anymore. while i do remember the anguish as a fact of my past, i can no longer imagine the feelings i felt. foolish i was, though i guess it did make life a lot more interesting hahaha!

i miss life in jc though. definitely miss having so many friends around me every day.

we are all growing up and we are all so busy.. our lives are no longer so conveniently intertwined. but i choose to believe that the people who matter most will always matter and i will always have a place in their hearts (:

have you ever wondered how many lives you have touched so far in your life? the number is likely to be staggering. it is a pity though, that often, we simply touch and go.

but there are still some people who mean so much to me i hope you guys know who you are. i hope i really will always have a place in your hearts because you all certainly do in mine.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
12:46 a.m.

just to remember
who else will peel a longan, pop it into my mouth, hold out a box for me to spit the seed in, and pop the next longan into my mouth, while i play my pokemon game, enjoying the longan without lifting a finger?

<3
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
11:49 p.m.

mates
okay i've been meaning to write in this blog, but haven't gotten around to doing it because there's really not much to write about haha. the hols have started quite awhile back and i am enjoying myself slacking away with my fictional books, my pokemon heartgold and my dearest boyfriend. haven't actually met my friends all that much (as compared to previous holidays) but it's mostly because they are either working or away. oh well, but as usual i'm fully capable of entertaining myself and i am definitely not bored enough to find a job or something. i did contemplate getting a holiday job, but those offered to me weren't fantastic enough to draw me away from my "wastrel" life, as wei puts it. haha!

fairly disappointed that we didn't manage to book our tioman trip due to the lack of availability of the room type we chose. we'll probably go elsewhere then.. just hope our little short trip will be fun! but i guess since it's usually the company that matters most, we will have a great time (:

we didn't get our flat which was a bit disappointing but we expected this to happen. the chances were really low. anyway, while i don't MIND staying in that particular project, it's not exactly the most fantastic place in the world, so not much of a loss there i suppose. the only issue is that delays in finding a home means a delay in our life as family. but either way, there'll probably be other options and anything can happen in the next few years. there may be better projects, or we may decide against public housing.. it really depends on the economic environment in the next few years. so while i'm disappointed that our housing isn't settled yet, i'm not exactly devastated. would have been fun being neighbours with shiting though! (but she prob will move out soon after when she gets married anyway)

it's almost been 3 years since wr and i got together. i'm really glad i made the decision to give the relationship a shot, despite some uncertainties at that time. i think it's wonderful that we enjoy doing so many things together, whether it is playing/competing in ds/ps2(sorry no money to buy ps3/wii games, playing pool/snooker, swimming, singing, watching japanese dramas/anime and other shows, playing scrabble/hotel and other boardgames, jogging/walking in the botanic gardens (okay def more like walking), playing various sports, suntanning, prawning etc so many things.. we always have something to do and someone to do it with. i guess right from the very start, i never doubted that i enjoyed his company and up to now, this hasn't changed.

how do i know that he is the one i want to spend my entire life with? well, at least i know that i never ever grew sick of him no matter how often we see each other. he makes me happy and he is the one i care most about. he cares for me more than anyone else does and i guess at this point, it's hard to imagine our lives separated.

it's late and i should sleep. i guess this post is completely random and i guess all i wanted to say is that i really truly love him.

and... beerfest tmr! (:
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
12:51 a.m.

999days. wish i was happier but i love you.
i am hurt. regardless of how many times i tell myself not to care, and how many times i tell myself that i'm happy enough knowing that i have my friends and i have weiren, i can't help but be sad.

i really miss my grandma. she was after all, undoubtedly, my family.

now, the closest i have to family, is weiren.

to all my friends who say that it's unhealthy like that, tell me then, how am i supposed to survive? how many understand how i feel..

all i want is someone who truly cares for me and wants me to be happy. all i want is for someone to care about how i feel. all i want is to feel loved. all i want is a family.

why is it so difficult.

and how do i let go?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
11:16 p.m.

horoscopes!
randomly googled this out. it is amazingly accurate.. i couldn't help but smile as i read it. haha.

A love match between the zodiac signs of Aries and Pisces is not one of the best ones. The directness and lack of subtlety of an Aries may hurt the sensitive fish. The Ram also tends to take decisions more quickly as well as more easily than a Pisces. However, if both of them manage to balance their dissimilarities and learn from each other, their relationship could go places. The softness and tenderness of the fish can calm, soothe and heal the Ram when he becomes disillusioned with the world.

On the other hand, the former loves the honesty and idealism of an Aries. The fish will have to control his indecisiveness and the Ram will have to subdue his aggressiveness and criticism. Pisces desire for closeness may also clash with the Aries need for space and freedom and lead to compatibility problems. Apart from this, their personality differences seem to complement each other. Aries desire to lead will be matched by Pisces wish to be led. The assurance and boldness of Aries will draw the sensitive Pisces out of his shell and make him feel secure.

Aries Man and Pisces Woman

The love match of an Aries man and a Pisces woman can either be compatible or conflicting, depending upon how much both of them are able to adjust. Piscean woman will love to lean on the strong shoulders of an Aries man, which will act as a solid boost to his ego. In turn, he will totally find her idiosyncratic ideas and attitudes as irresistible. However, the sharp tongue of a Piscean woman may sometimes collide with the sarcastic humor of an Aries man, especially when both of them are having an argument. If they manage to cool their tempers, this match can surely work.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
01:35 a.m.

job?
okay.. i really should be writing in the other blog. like the school blog. 3 more entries to go before the week ends.. but lazyy and completely no inspiration what so ever. bleaghh.

exams in slightly less than 2 weeks.. oh well at least it means i'm closer to graduation, right? really look forward to finally graduating though that will only be at the end of the year. plus i have a wonderful grad trip to look forward to too! if everything turns out well..

i'm toying with the idea of getting a job for the hols. don't usually work during the hols but it's really quite long and well, wr is working too so i wouldn't have a companion to waste time with haha. i mean i have friends but i suspect they'll all find work/internships etc. so maybe i should find something to take up my time and at the same time, earn me some bucks. but i'm not sure what job i should apply for..

wr's birthday on thurs! but we're celebrating on saturday only because i have school till late and he's working too. wonder if i should just skip my thurs class esp since the ONLY class i have is from 6-8pm. sucks. dunno if he'll say anything impt regarding the exams though.. hmm.
Monday, April 12, 2010
10:59 p.m.

random post
been meaning to drop a quick note here. we're fine now and i'm glad that my uncertainties have been put at ease. i want to say again that i'm really sorry for saying that.

i think i'm very hurtful when i'm angry.

been feeling a little unwell recently.. giddiness. wonder why. the doctor couldn't detect anything wrong which i guess is great because it seems to him that i'm perfectly healthy. healthy blood pressure, red blood cells, eye dilation (??) and ermm heart beat. hahaha that's what he seemed to have checked.

test tmr. i hate qm like seriously. hope i can write something down at least. good luck to me!

meeting tang tmr :D been so long since i've seen her n caught up with her so i'm pleased!

i can't wait for the month to be over so my long break will come. seriously envious of those who are graduating this sem, but my turn will come soon so nvm!

i'm feeling happier these days.

i need to go visit my grandma soon. been too long, i feel.

i kinda just wish everything will be settled quickly. impatience! wish that my job can be secured soon, that we'll find a home soon..

hammie's dad is hilarious. just saying. and i just proved hammie's point that i'm completely random. haha.
Friday, April 9, 2010
12:45 a.m.

i'm okay
i love my friends because i know they truly care for me. really, thanks you guys.

everything is fine and dandy and it feels perfectly normal. i'm truly no longer unhappy and i think neither is he.. everything forgiven and forgotten. it's always like this.

but while everything is fine, i can't help but feel that this time, it really hit me. for the first time in a long time, i truly questioned everything. i'm no longer certain.

i will enjoy whatever we have, but maybe i need to reconsider my expectations, and my life.
Monday, April 5, 2010
11:21 p.m.

healthy kick!
haven't updated in awhile though i really meant to! busy busy..

been trying to exercise after finally admitting to myself that i'm in a terribly unfit and FAT state. to those who insist i still look the same as i always do, please be assured that i'm the kindest person to myself and even i can't lie to myself anymore :(

ran a little last sunday with wr though it kinda failed coz i'm bad at running.. trying again tmr though! wish me luck. the botanic gardens is wonderful in the morning when the sun isn't too hot. seriously. i'm the kind of person who prefers to run on a track because i can count the number of rounds and hence motivate myself and totally cannot understand why people prefer to run around the estate just for "scenery". i don't give a damn about scenery.. or so i thought. but the botanic gardens is really wonderful and i love the air there! i've tried running along roads before but completely hated it. now i realise it's because the air sucks there plus i've to stay on the puny pavement. seriously the air along roads suck. in the morning, it smells of garbage coz the garbage trucks come in the morning. plus there's always the smell of vehicle exhaust! the problem with running in the botanic gardens is that i wouldn't go there alone. need transportation.. but oh well! as long as wr goes with me that's fine (:

what a long rant praising the botanic gardens.. haha! i tried swimming in my pool too! i always liked swimming so i shall try to swim more often. i've sort of decided to exercise at least twice a week. it's not much, but it's a start! i bought conditioner too! coz my hair was a disaster after swimming.. i don't usually pay too much attention to my hair's condition but it was really very bad. i even tried leaving in some mild body lotion to try to improve my hair's condition (i had no conditioner with me). it surprisingly worked quite well.. my hair improved quite a bit though i still bought conditioner the next day. haha! quite proud of my strange self created treatment though!

now all i need is to enforce a stricter diet. but honestly right despite having exercised quite little, after running and swimming the last week i feel healthier and like my metabolism has went up a bit! maybe it's psychological but at least it's helping to motivate me (:

oh but running always seems to create some unhappiness between wr and me.. prob coz (as my teammates know), the notion of running makes me damn bitchy. since i hate it completely.. but we're always great before long.

honestly, i think i'm quite a terrible girlfriend. on the other hand, wr's great. as wonderful as i think some of my friends' boyfriends are, i'll never trade him for anyone else (: then again i think people tend to prefer their boyfriends over other guys coz if not they wouldn't be with the person, right?

now all i want to do is get over and done with school, get hired by moe, work/study in nie, get married and live happily ever after. i wish there are better flats in the market though.. i'm nowhere closer to getting married than i was last year :(

sianness. i think i'd never be an adult/treated like an adult if i'm not married. will always be treated like a child! oh well.. but that's not the only reason i want to be married. i don't think it's the wisest choice to publish the reasons why. but i think all of my closest friends should understand..
Sunday, March 28, 2010
10:39 p.m.

sad
i've been rather unhappy lately. nothing to do with wr who, honestly, is great. i'm not certain why i'm so down but i guess in some ways i am disappointed.

he says as i grow older, everyone will only get busier and wouldn't have time for me. i myself haven't been the most social of creatures but even so, it sucks to feel like people stopped caring.

and the moods i can't seem to help lighten.

for the first time, i'm not really looking forward to my birthday. there's simply nothing to do.

i cry for no reason.

and i want to say i'm sorry to my friends who came.
Monday, February 22, 2010
11:34 p.m.

clean teeth hurt
chinese new year is here again so happy cny to everyone!

in the end, i had a mini vday early celebration on fri afternoon which was <3 bought him a present which i think he appreciates plenty and i'm glad! though he keeps laughing at the spelling of "shoulder" as "soldier" in the card which was completely accidental.. think my brain was half dead when i wrote the card. have no idea why on earth i wrote soldier when it's a word i hardly use these days. oh well..

i wasn't expecting anything from him and he was very apologetic for the lack of presents from him. he did intend to get me flowers before picking me up but was running late and didn't have the time.. appreciate the thought! plus he surprised me with a wonderful lunch at our favourite restaurant and yet again we exploded after the meal. i was damn dumb and didn't know we were heading there.. thought we were going marina square and when i realised we were heading to the east, i honestly thought we were going to parkway for ice cream or something. how dumb of me.. totally didn't expect lunch at that restaurant and was even planning to go there for my birthday!

basically i was really happy and if you ever read this, <3 <3 <3!! and thanks for accompanying me for my last minute shopping.. i know you were really tired after the shopping. -hugs-

oh btw, my teeth look very clean thanks to xh's cleaning plus the new way she taught me to brush my teeth. but i swear my gums/teeth hurt more now i've no idea why.. they don't really bleed except when i floss but they hurt :( maybe clean teeth hurt. i thought maybe it was my wisdom tooth growing out but i'm not that certain given the position of the pain. bleagh.. and i hate flossing. the first few times i tried i bled so much! i kept spitting out the blood and even after several spits my saliva was still disgustingly bloody.. like very red and didn't seem any less bloody even after i spat a few times. i eventually gave up without flossing the entire mouth. the last time i floss i bled a lot less though, but maybe i didn't floss as deeply which ms tsai wouldn't be pleased about.

i wouldn't even bother if it wasn't for her lorrr... since she asked me to help her pass some clean teeth/no bleeding gums test. and she still keeps complaining about me being her worst patient.. i am trying my best okay.. just that i dislike the discomforts of dental treatments. have always hated going to the dentist. bleaghh.. an underappreciated good friend i am!

i hate my rash. hope it goes away soon.

i want to win toto. lol.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
01:23 a.m.

boo bleagh
gahh i'm feeling fat and ugly. i'll be ugly this chinese new year.. wish there was a way to lose weight instantly! haha. i tried setting my alarm to wake me up for a morning run the last couple of days, but ended up going back to sleep haha i suck. shall try again tomorrow! go me! and i think i should go on a diet too... stop over eating :( the good part of all these is that i don't really over eat during cny unlike a lot of people. my food intake is usually about the same because i'm not crazy over pineapple tarts, bakkwa etc (i do have bakkwa year round anyway so it isn't a yearly treat) i mean i don't dislike such food, but i'm not crazy over it so i probably will eat them moderately only. jia you!!

chocolates and chips are the bane of my life though.

i like having something to look forward to and plan/think about. wr is more of the "we'll see how it goes when the time comes" kind of person. this means that i love thinking about what i should do on my birthday, where i shall go in the holidays etc.. i like thinking even further into the future, about the furnishing of my future home etc etc. lol. i think i just like to daydream.. i spend too much of my time wondering how to allocate toto winnings too! haha.. it's quite fun anyway.

it was surprising today when angeline said jia told her i was always so happy and that she wishes she could be like that. i don't exactly think of myself as the happiest person ever.. just not a worrywart like jia is. i'm more of an escapist. but even so, jia's opinion surprises me even more so because she's someone i turn to when i'm very upset. for so many years now (more than 10 years probably) i occasionally look for her, both on the phone and in person, and just start bawling without being able to explain to her what was upsetting me. how in the world does that translate to me being always happy?! hahaha!

that was random, btw.

there's no valentine's day this year. suck. no gifts no celebrations. NOTHING!!! BOOOOOOO!!

i miss vday during schooling times.. i miss going round handing out small gifts and receiving other small gifts. okay the gifts were usually quite useless etc but it was honestly the thought which counted! so many homemade trinkets, chocolates/sweets, notes.. i really appreciated the smallest little gift because that friend bothered with me? especially since it wasn't as if we gave gifts to every single person we know. that would be too expensive, usually!

valentine's day as part of a couple.. hmm. i don't really have much experience in that. the first vday we were together, he was overseas. it was exciting to receive roses in a sand-filled box (arranged in the shape of a heart)ordered from overseas. but it wasn't exactly a celebration? the second vday he was back we watched a movie, went to the barrage, had a late dinner.. he gave me a huge bear holding paper roses and secretly changed my ring in the theatre for a newer one. which i didn't notice haha oops. was quite sweet i was happy.

this year, i have no valentine's day. bleagh. so in 3 years, we'd only have had celebrated 1 vday. sucks to be me ):

nvm.. maybe my birthday will make up for it! always thought it was a shame that my bday was so close to vday.. it'll be better to have all the events spread out throughout the year. currently, the first half of the year is definitely much more exciting than the second. even xmas and new year's day is so closed to everything else!

i like special days. maybe i shall create a "umay day" to make up for it.. find a good date.. hehe.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
09:24 p.m.

everyone's getting married..
it seems as though everyone's getting engaged/married! it's crazy and in some cases, completely unexpected. like wth unexpected. i'm happy for my friend, though and hope that everything will turn out great, especially since it's gonna be a rather long engagement. it's just.. shocking. seems like such a hasty decision.. but who am i to judge? they know their relationship best after all. and she isn't exactly stupid or naive.

i feel like i'm in a better position to get married actually.. and even then, i don't think i'm ready to be married yet. then again, hers is merely an engagement and i'll definitely also accept a proposal if it comes my way. just that it's not coming anytime soon haha.

at least i have something to look forward to..

graduation, job applications, working life, marriage.. we're all growing up so quickly. i don't even know whether i'm considered old or young. haha i've even started calculating my future finances.. wr told me not to bother n claims that the money part will be handled by him. wth.

i've kinda 75% decided to join moe though. hopefully everything will work out smoothly. i had my doubts initially, but i've now decided it's probably going to be the best path to take.

and i've kinda been attending classes and trying a bunch of my tutorials. something i've never really done before.

i'm so mature. keep it up, umay!

i wish i can bring myself to exercise too.
Monday, February 8, 2010
12:55 a.m.

first new entry of hopefully many more
went out with shiting just now and she commented that she used to read my blog but i stopped blogging. i told her that i've got nothing to write and that's why i've stopped writing. i guess it isn't true because there wasn't much more in my life in the past as compared to now. i am just lazier and i guess for awhile already, i ceased to see the point in blogging.

i used to blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings and i suppose i've always enjoyed putting things down in words. i may be wrong, but i think i stopped blogging regularly around the time i got together with wr. i've always thought that it was because he has become my outlet. perhaps in a sense that is true, but another reason for my lack of blogging is that at some point or other, i guess the words stopped doing anything for me. putting down all my feelings and emotions became so difficult.. plus i didn't know what i should and should not put down. surely it's quite pointless to keep writing about being in love? love is after all, kept in the heart. and as for the sorrow i felt over the deaths of my grandma as well as rick, what i sought for was comfort beyond what words can give. i needed someone and not a screen. also, in general, i hardly blogged due to the lack of time to do so? i'm online much less regularly because i'm often at wr's place. and as banged up as my computer is, i much prefer using it to do my personal stuff.. it is just so.. familiar to me.

anyway, whatever the case is, maybe i'll try to blog more from now on. blogging allows me to be more introspective and talk about things (with myself haha) without being tied down to a single opinion. if that makes any sense. what i mean is, if i were to say something which crosses my mind, to someone else, the person is likely to agree or disagree with it and we'll have a discussion with each of us taking a particular side? (or the same side) but in many cases, it is simply a thought. nothing more, nothing less. definitely nothing to be worth judged for.

random but, do i often put myself in situations of potential danger? or is the potential danger simply assumed to exist? do we believe in good and let evidence tell us otherwise, or do we assume the worst till proven otherwise? when i was younger, i took it that in most cases, no one's really out to hurt you so it really isn't fair to suspect everyone of ill intentions. i wouldn't say that i've changed my perspective entirely, but subconsciously, i've grown more wary of others. or maybe in those cases, i've got reason to be wary?

a smile, a wave. what harm can it be? a smile and a friendly wave, even from a stranger (or sometimes, especially from a stranger), often makes the day seem a little brighter to me. it just makes the world seem warmer and friendlier. it's sad though, that apparently sometimes a smile and a wave isn't exactly the smartest thing to do. is believing in goodness a completely retarded thing to do in this time and age? you know, i don't know how we manage to be happy at all.. where is the love?

someone once told me that being in a relationship means that i should always take into account the other person's well being. always. meaning, in all my actions and decisions, i've to consider both perspectives. i have to say that, it doesn't come naturally to me at all. obviously if it is directly relevant to the person, in this case wr, i will consider his feelings and opinions in the issue and make my ultimate decision which may or may not be what he wants. but in many other cases, it barely even occurs to me that he'd be affected. is that wrong of me? or is the expectation unfair? i mean, how am i to even imagine that what which comes naturally and mean so little to me ends up mattering a million times more to another? am i expected to always inspect my actions in a variety of perspectives?

i've been called selfish and self-centered and someone has even cautioned me that all is likely to end if i don't change my mindset. i don't feel like i am really all that selfish and self centered.. i just feel that being in a relationship doesn't mean giving up autonomy. my decisions are mine ultimately. being in a relationship doesn't mean someone else should make your decisions for you, does it? and in my decision making, i consider all the factors that affect me. these factors include his feelings towards the matter (if i realise they exist), and also my own feelings towards the matter. i've to say though, that the "will it kill you if you don't -insert action-?" argument is rather annoying at times. sometimes matters which seem completely trivial to me (and hence obviously will not KILL me whichever my decision) somehow or other become extremely important. i understand that hence it shouldn't matter to me either way, but because it seems completely ridiculous to place such importance to such decisions, it doesn't seem quite right to give in either.

and in case you're wondering, i haven't just got into a fight. this is simply my opinion.. opinions which i'd much rather type out because there's no one to argue with me this way. after awhile, i stop arguing. i keep quiet. it's not good, i think. after awhile, i give in. sometimes i'm disgusted with how weak i am. i'm starting to have the mentality that some matters are really not worth losing relationships over. whether it's with wr or friendship.. is it true? i can't think why it isn't true.. but yet sometimes i still feel upset with myself for not standing up for what i believe in. although i've to say that if i really think i'm right, giving in is not admitting i'm wrong. all i do is just give up arguing and make peace.. and hope that somehow or other, we accept the differences as just differences and that these differences wouldn't eventually break things apart.

is it better this way? backing down. i used to be much more obstinate. maybe some will say this is the mature way to think but i don't think i've matured. it's more like, that are some thngs i really don't want to lose.

i question if it's healthy this way. am i giving up some part of myself? will i eventually give up all of myself just so not to lose these things? i don't know. all i know is that, i'm giving up my pride, little by little.

been so long since i've blogged and i've forgotten how blue i tend to sound after midnight. i've no idea who's gonna read this after being inactive for so long. a lot of what i've written, i wonder if i should have written at all. but i never did like censorship and i guess these are things i do want to express.

on a completely irrelevant note, i wonder if my writing has changed. i think i'll try to maintain this blog again. i do need the writing practice :p too little writing means i can barely spell now.. almost forgot how to spell "ancestor" that day. couldn't remember if it was "ancester" or "ancestor" -.- kill me now.

oh and i archived my prev entries so i can start this anew.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
12:35 a.m.