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small changes to blog
okay i changed the photo to a very similar one coz the one i previously used had been taken down. i uploaded the photo myself this time so.. hopefully it works. and ermm.. credits to whoever who uploaded it in the first place... it's not mine so i'm not taking any credit for it. removed all the links too because i'm quite sure most don't work anymore. i think i'm one of the few who hasn't changed address since a million years back.

i kept the link to my guestbook and my past entries mainly for myself. they contain plenty of memories.. i didn't realise huili left a note in the guestbook late last year though! or maybe i forgot...

okay this is a damn boring entry.

i can't wait for my exams to end on monday. i think growing up is not a very happy process. i randomly went to a friend's blog and she sounded really sad. and just talking to a few other friends reveal plenty of hidden angst and sadness.. but may we entertain each other out of our misery.

okay i'm generally contented at this point in my life. it's just a lonelier period than it was before but i can still feel plenty of love from the people around me.

i wish things weren't like this between you guys though.. you are two immensely important people to me and well, though technically it doesn't affect me, i guess i just wish things were different.

recently, weiren and weijie insist that i'm playful. i don't really think so? neither am i hyperactive as weiren claims. maybe this just proves that i'm still young haha.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
01:06 a.m.

lalaboo
sometimes, i wish i have great talent in something. while i believe that hard work produces results as well, i believe too that talent does play a part. reciprocal love. haha. it's like if i'm great at something i'll have more inclination towards it, wouldn't i? most of the time at least. if i really suck at something i'll sooner or later give up. i always wished i was musically inclined, actually.. and could play instruments and compose and let my feelings run through in my playing. but i guess i've kinda given up hope haha. i did learn piano when i was younger, but i dropped it because my piano teacher was really mean and gave me a lot of homework. lol i was lazy even then. but honestly, she took the joy out of learning because what i wanted was to be able to PLAY and her focus was far too much on the theory.

oh well. i mean i guess things can be worse. though at this moment i'm not exactly academically brilliant, i do know (or believe) that i'm bright. or i was haha. i think my brain has deteriorated from lack of use. i sat through one of wei's bio psych lectures and learnt that physiologically, a lack of stimulation of the brain does cause you to be less intelligent.

hmm. but even so, i think i've at least some basic intelligence and knowledge lah. i can't be a rafflesian without at least a little capability, right? i just have little motivation. haha in my management and organization class, i learnt that motivation is the direction, level and persistence of effort. i think persistence of effort is my problem.

anyway, i was watching s factor just now and omg the girls are really quite retarded. most of them at least. i've no idea whether they are playing it like that for entertainment value or what but seriously they portrayed themselves as really stupid. i asked weiren if i was that stupid would he still like me and he said no. i mean, we really wondered what sort of educational level they had. gosh.

okay i'm really quite incoherent now. i don't know what i'm trying to say. oh well.

changing the subject (if there was one to begin with), i've been a rather happy person latele. or rather, contented. i don't even know why i'm blogging.

exams are coming but somehow i feel that i can handle them. no idea why since i haven't exactly been performing that well. but suddenly what i'm learning really doesn't seem all that difficult anymore. actually i think yeo ye is great though i think he thinks i'm a retard haha. he's a little like maria ho i guess.. he forces you to learn.

hence, yesterday, when zhu and situ were talking about the maxwell equations (wth) i felt slightly knowledgeable on the subject hahaha. at this point i have the equations down pat. okay fine i mugged them for my test but at least i know them! it's better than my other physics modules were i floundered all the way till the exam and at the end of the day, still barely know what i've learnt.

okay this is boring. anyway, just want to say i'm happy and IT'S GONNA BE MY 3 MONTH BREAK SOON YAYYYY!!!

and i love my boyfriend (:
Monday, April 20, 2009
12:13 a.m.

cooking failure
today, i exploded an egg in the microwave. i thought perhaps if it was submerged in water, it wouldn't explode, but it did. haha.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
08:15 p.m.

one blog entry
i'm in starbucks at holland v now freezing away as usual because studying at home is really disastrous i end up sleeping ): although i get distracted here as well, i do get some work done. at least more than at home!

i feel like i've neglected pitas a hell lot but i don't exactly feel guilty. i mean, it's up to me how much i write here and it's not as if my blog is for the entertainment of others. my blog has been reliably here for me all these years and i appreciate having an outlet when i need one.

twisted my ankle a little while going down the stairs.. don't think i sprained it though and it'll prob be fine soon but it now feels a little bleagh-ish. the downside of studying here is that i end up giving a lot of my money to starbucks and the fact is this semester i'm really low on cash because i stopped teaching. luckily, victoria just msged me and i agreed to give her tuition when my hols start. i do need to learn how to use a graphic calculator though.

recently in my colour and vision class i saw pictures of paintings by an artist named Joseph Mallord William Turner (don't usually use caps in my blog but i guess he deserves special respect). admittedly, i'm culturally insipid and have never heard of him before.. but i really liked what i saw and hence copied his name down. he has become my favourite painter though i still barely know him and i'm really not knowledgeable at all in art. however, i do know that his work attracts me and i really like his style..

anyway, i had grand plans to collect his paintings in the future when i have my own home but soon realised how ignorant i was hahaha! just googled him and realised that his paintings are displayed in museums and sold for millions of dollars.. with the most expensive 2 paintings (not sure if it's both combined) sold for 30+ million usd. obviously i'd never be able to afford it and even if i could i would probably have better uses for this money. although i guess it's an investment and not really sunk cost! but even so i doubt i will ever have this kinda cash to spare.. oh well i guess i will settle for going to museums in london etc to look at his paintings! hahahaha!

anyway, this is random but i really enjoy reading my own blog. maybe i'm narcissistic. have you ever tried reading your own blogs months or years after writing the entries? i first started this account in pitas maybe 6 years ago. that's quite a long time.. i guess my writing has changed a little over the years and i am spelling properly now as compared to my younger days (urgh).

i'm 21 now and i just realised that for once i didn't blog about my birthday. i'm now a full-fledged "adult". i wouldn't say i feel any different because growing up is obviously a gradual process and i have been feeling older for quite awhile already. so much has happened, so many changes have been made.

important people have entered my life, and important people have left me as well.

i like seeing people who are obviously in love. i never really understood break ups. i think i'm still naive and idealistic, being in my first relationship and all.. but i can't really understand how people who proclaimed to love each other can end up becoming completely nasty or just simply cold and callous towards each other. i'm sure everyone has their reasons and perhaps feelings change.. but i'm not sure why they do change. i'm not saying we didn't have our terrible times because we did. but the most important thing to me is that throughout all fights and tears and anger, it's pretty clear that there is still love. i guess i really just don't understand why feelings change and how people can bear to see the ones they supposedly love so hurt.

that's just random ramblings with absolutely no reference to anyone.

i sincerely hope to have a wonderful future with weiren.

should stop writing now.. till next time!
Monday, March 16, 2009
04:17 p.m.

love.
i feel like i need to write this down. i really love you so damn much i'm so thankful to have you.
Monday, March 2, 2009
08:52 p.m.

...
there are things which i don't quite want to hear.

no, blood is not thicker than water.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
09:30 p.m.

goodbye
it's hard to believe she's gone. i need time away from the ceremonies and entertaining and small talk. you know, i really want to cry. i want to cry properly.

i missed her before she was even gone.

i'll never see her again.

goodbye.


i'm sorry for all the times i was irritable. thank you for all you have done for me.. i hope you know i love you so much. you are possibly the most important person in my life. thank you for bringing me up.
Monday, January 12, 2009
12:53 a.m.

are you walking away?
and here i am, at 6am in the morning blogging, having finished 3 online assignments, 2 of which are due at 12am tomorrow. by the time i reached the third, i really can't think well anymore and i did quite terribly. i know i ought to have continued another day, but i foresee not having the time nor the mood to do it in the near future.

film analysis due pretty soon too. on tuesday, actually. but my reason for staying up till 6 to do these assignments is because i really don't wish to work tomorrow. i'll do it on monday. and on tuesday i'll work on my lab report. let's hope nothing else crops up.

i don't know why am i not sleeping. maybe i'm afraid i'll have difficulty waking up and i really don't want to spend tomorrow in bed. for one, i need to go to the hospital. and for another, i don't want to be alone.

i hear thunder. and just now, when the train went by, i realised it can sound pretty spooky. i really don't like feeling all alone.

my dad's prob gonna play golf soon and i'm not even in bed.

there isn't always going to be more time. does everyone know i love them?

i wanted to visit today, but i thought it would be a rush since i woke up pretty late and i agreed to have dinner with my parents this evening. so i thought, i'll visit tomorrow (or rather, today) instead. whoever knew that the visit will be in the hospital now. but thank goodness i can still visit her. i honestly don't know what i'd do if i can't.

the entire week i hadn't seen her. i don't even know if i should blame myself. i don't even know if there was many other options i could have taken. right and wrong. i really don't know how to decide anymore.

it's not only this. it's everything.

my head isn't clear. hasn't been.

will someone help me? will someone bring me away?
Sunday, November 2, 2008
06:03 a.m.

avalanche
it's been a very trying time.

things are getting slightly better, thankfully. but it's been so hard.

and it stays with me. yes, sometimes when we lose something, we'll never get it back again. to cherish what i have. please stop me from throwing away one of the best things which had been given to me so generously.

for someone surrounded so completely by love so real, of friends, family and him, it sure is surprisingly hard to pull myself together sometimes. i am completely weak-willed, spoilt by the easy goings of my younger days. and i disappoint. pulled in so many directions, i cannot reach my expectations of myself.

what are priorities? priorities of my heart, priorities for my future, priorities of my sanity, priorities to make the most of the fleeting, priorities of responsibility.. which is the priority?

it's been awhile. but i have yet to leave behind the shadows i had with me years back. it surprises me to realise that i don't feel any more mature than i was.

do things ever really change? the same. i'm unable to let go of the people i love.

i honestly just need a break. a complete break from all expectations and responsibilities. to be able to sleep in with no guilt, to be able to shop and just waste time without worries about work piling up.

and i wish.. i just wish that my grandma is completely well again. but sometimes, even i can't fool myself.

knowing that i might lose her is so painful. how many understand this pain?
Thursday, October 23, 2008
10:22 p.m.

i feel like a cliche.
Monday, September 8, 2008
10:28 p.m.

.
guilt. grief.

what words can i put down to describe the pain i feel? i looked at you and all i wish you to know was that i'm sorry and that i love you. the words i did not utter but the words i hope you understood.

i looked at you and i cried.

i miss you.

and it's too late to make up to you.
Friday, August 8, 2008
01:07 a.m.

banana power!!
i just have to blog this. "No la. Im still a light green banana. Still not matured yet. Young and inncent" lol. guess who. some people never fail to make me smile (:
Sunday, July 13, 2008
09:41 p.m.

):
pitas is my friend. any hour of the day. i'm sorry for neglecting it.

and today at about 1am in the morning, while trying to get to sleep, i had this terrible urge to blog. well, to talk to someone actually, but it seems as if there's no one to talk to. so i guess i'll type here.

a few days ago, i told joyce it seems as if i've got so much to say just that when i get right down to it, there's really nothing to say.

perhaps it's just a case of pms. highly likely, i must add. but despite knowing this, it doesn't change the fact that my pillowcase is soaked in tears and i'm miserable and my two best friends are out of town and so is my much missed boyfriend.

is it still fair to say that i'm lonely if i do have people to hang out with? and i do enjoy my time spent with them tons. it's just that.. sometimes i do just want to talk. and how many of my friends can i actually tell my insecurities and unhappiness to without thoroughly weirding them out? or making their lives miserable as well.

think i'll talk to nic now.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
01:28 a.m.

away away
3 papers down. sucks. sometimes i really detest myself and i really miss having people around. and sometimes i really want to run away. run run run away. away from expectations so i stop disappointing. honestly, i really wish i could disappear.

almost broke down when i couldn't get a cab despite waiting in the hot sun for 20 minutes. trying hard to stop myself from panicking and crying. but even then, it hit me that there was not much of a difference, to be late or not.

i don't know what i'm doing with my life.

throughout the day i was fighting nausea, induced by my starvation i would suppose. but somehow, nausea seems like the only way my body has been responding which doesn't really help, i guess. because though i know it means that i probably should eat, it doesn't make me feel like eating. and i realise that i feel hungry only when i let myself feel hungry.

ate a lot for dinner with jia, though. thanks loads for the treat (:

i really have great friends. yesterday, i left char's house, thoroughly upset. mingren sent me home. char offered as well.. and it was probably an unpleasant task because i was obviously going to cry and the trip would probably mean spending time alone with me and not knowing what to say. after i was at home for awhile, the whole bunch of them (char bessie mingren zihan chenwei) turned up at my place, with a pint of haagen dazs icecream. it was so extremely sweet and i was very touched. but i doubt any of them read this.

apparently they had a road rage driving to my place, though. haha.

and before they came, i spoke to jia on the phone. when she picked up i just cried n cried without saying anything but after experiencing the same many times in the last 10-11 years we've been friends, she was probably less freaked out than other friends would be. i don't know what i'll do without my friends.

and joyce, i miss you. i'm sorry i haven't sent your card yet but please understand.. ):

yesterday, i randomly thought about how i used to colour my staple bullets with a black marker. and i really miss those days.

i think my problem is.. i really suck at growing up.

i miss my bed too. been sleeping in the guestroom for the last few nights.

and i badly need a hug.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
01:12 a.m.

bleagh
surprise to everyone who even bothers to check this now..

i've been a bad student and i feel guilty but things pile up and accumulate and it's difficult to turn back. every year is the same. as much as the course does interest me, i just don't have the discipline. my nature? or just the years reinforcing the habit. i will try.

i promise to mug my head off, by my own, since it's too late to go back to the lectures. i guess it's time to stop buying story books. and stop playing mahjong. and everything. it's a few more weeks only. i don't have much time now, perhaps still enough, but not enough to waste further.

of course it's ridiculous to expect myself to be buried under my books 24/7, but i need to at least START studying. so yepp.. then at least i can practise some questions if not i'd take a million years to do the questions. i miss maria ho. i remember how she used to tell us that exams are not the time to think. things are different now, and the questions are far from as straightforward as in secondary school, but i suppose knowing the formulae at the back of my hand should be good.

oh well, jia you.

anyway, watch the bigbangtheory! it's damn funny! (: but sucks that i can watch it once a week only. annoying.

it's a mixed feeling when i want the term to end, but the term ending means that i'm screwed if i continue going as i am. if only there was some kind of split-shift in the time dimension, so that there's no longer simultanity in this same inertia frame. then again, it's impossible.

and the last paragraph sounds geeky.

we're getting old.

i look like a boy now.

empathy scared me. i think it's scary that feelings change so rapidly, and that similar feelings seem to be able to be transferred to a different target. the idealist in me wants to believe that there has to be some exclusivity, because feelings are complex. but the jealous girl in me also wants to have all of the others, but more.

the entire thing had nothing to do with me, but it left me thinking.. what if i was in their shoes. and it is difficult not to be judgmental, though i admit i'm judging solely with my feelings and the little that i know. there are probably certain things i do not know, and things which they are able to use to justify their actions to themselves.

but really, who am i to judge?
Friday, March 28, 2008
10:59 a.m.

missing everyone ):
this blog is rather stagnant.

i just want to say that i miss a lot of my friends so much. watching a video on facebook of joyce cutting long beans or some nonsense made me sad. i miss your laughter, my dear friend. and ur card was <3 thanks!

and i miss the vballers. i mean, i still keep in contact with a few of them, but i miss the whole entity. and the individual people whom i haven't spoken to properly in so long.

and some of my classmates too. xuhui i miss you. and i miss hammsieee ): ):

oh well. life goes on.

anyway, while this is extremely laggy, i've hit 20 :p doesn't actually feel like much because i've been feeling like i'm getting so damn old, for far too long. <3 to my friends who celebrated with me and i really really appreciate all of the guys who took off to go to sentosa (: thanks thanks! and the millions of birthday wishes, even from people i didn't expect.

it's strange though, that this year i didn't have a birthday cake. and the only person who sang me a birthday song was weiren whom i forced to. and that was after my birthday.. (like 1am the next day or something). oh well. that means that i didn't get to make a birthday wish.

doesn't matter i guess.

my last birthday was celebrated with joyce + xuhui, then the vballers as organized by yenping. that included yenping, simin, huili, anqi, youmin, shiyun, darrell, lionel, zhikang, jody and fredrick. this year, the vball contingent consists of zhihao and darrell. something about that makes me sad. oh, but i met huili lah. haha.

things change. i miss you all.

but then again, this year, my birthday itself was celebrated with the class whom i love to bits. met up with jia, wei deb chelle (the remaining x in sg), zhihao and darrell and mingren char bessie (my guai tai gang). haha.

i wonder how long the guai tai gang will last.. guess it wouldn't last that long since mingren and bessie are probably flying off ): and though we don't talk much outside our very strange and random mahjong/games sessions, i'm very glad to have become friends with them. really enjoyed all the times spent together.. and i hardly regard mingren as weiren's brother, but rather, as a friend.

i wonder how next year's birthday will be like. for now, i hope that it'd be spent with weiren. so sue me. haha.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
08:52 p.m.

random ramblings
and here i am, sitting at the science canteen, waiting for lecture to start, since lab ended early as usual. today's lab was not too bad despite me being quite lost during viva, having forgotten most of my wave-particle duality. but anyway, i've decided i do have one friend at least. my lab partner haha.. though yet again, it's more like a working r/s since we don't really know each other beyond our lab times.

we do have bad karma with the lab apparatus though :p

and while i do have work to do and things to study, i'll devote this time to just blogging.

i haven't actually blogged properly in awhile. even my rather short blog posts in recent times didn't leave much of a sense of satisfaction. but the fact is, i actually do feel lazy to switch on my computer sometimes. and that's something i've never felt before, ever since i first learnt how to use the internet and msn. that was about 10 years ago.

i feel that, everyone's grown up. so much has happened in the last year. a year ago, everything was different. do you remember?

thinking about what is gone makes me sad. i believe that it's not only me. what has accumulated in the last year probably holds much misery to many people.

i wonder if what seems to be gone is really gone. i try to believe that it isn't the case. but it really feels like, i've lost a few people in my life. it's not that i get all upset thinking about it, but it feels like i don't really like to get into conversations about them. just reminds me how i'm not part of their lives anymore. makes me feel unsettled.

perhaps it's my fault to begin with..

on the other hand, there are new additions to my life. and for that, i'm glad.

i know i'm growing up when i no longer insist on being a part of the lives of everyone i care about. in the seemingly distant past, i would have confronted them and complained about them not caring anymore. seems silly and pointless right now.

think about all the conflicts i've had with people. other than about vball events, most of the conflicts would be due to insecurity on my part. insecurity about my friendships.

i hardly fight anymore. i'm satisfied with what i have. and what i have, is a lot already. perhaps more than i deserve.

there are so many people whose care i constantly feel.

yet, when i get reminded about the past, i can't help but feel sad. oh well. we all move on.
Monday, February 18, 2008
04:05 p.m.

happy vday again haha
tiara = a box of 12 roses surrounded with a blue furry ring in the general shape of a heart, topped with a small tiara on one of the roses.

<3

spent the day with huili (n met shuwen n jiamin for awhile), watching cj07, which was surprisingly quite nice. though we got cheated of 1.50 because the cashier didn't ask us if we were students and we later realised that there was student discount :p to console ourselves, though, we decided that we can't even buy ice cream with the 1.50 because we eat high class ice cream hahaha!

i swear u don't have to drink to be drunk. just hang out with huili.

hanging out with huili is going to make me put on weight which i definitely don't need, though. haha. we just eat and eat and eat and eat it's a bit disgusting. but i'm happy (:

my parents asked if i want to go to stockolm in the holidays, again, because they need to settle stuff for uni (who is doing her exchange there). i can't really decide. it's always fun to travel, but well... weiren will be back then and i'm not too sure if he'll fly off to work overseas again. call me zsqy, i don't know. but other than that too, i do remember having tons of conflicts with uni, though that was more in london than in sweden.

oh well.
Friday, February 15, 2008
10:08 a.m.

happy valentine's day!
i haven't blogged in so long but there's i really really need to say this. i love huili! <3<3

i wonder if i'll be able to talk nonsense and laugh and laugh endlessly still in the future.. will it gradually stop? i really hope not.

i'm really thankful for my friends. the people i can rely on, and have fun with. i love my friends, really. they are the reason why i smile each day.

everytime i meet wei, no matter how long i've made her wait, she smiles at me and doesn't blame me. i can't describe the good feeling i have everytime it happens. maybe it's my personality. i'm impatient myself, after all. and i know i can always rely on huili to accompany me, whether it's to go to funan (n let her watch my inner bimbo in action), or to pluck my brows/cut my hair. today was her turn to cut hair though haha.

it's sweet. and it's warm to the heart.

and not only them. so many so many of my friends.. shiting who said that she'll celebrate my birthday with me unless i don't friend her <3 jenhan who thinks i'm cool HAHA. etc etc etc...

so many times i've said it but i'll say it again. i love my friends. you know who you are (:

tomorrow's vday.. and as wei says, the atmosphere was better in sec school.. and for me, jc as well. the exchange of gifts amongst friends. it's just an excuse to whine for presents and to give presents. but no matter how small, it's the heart that counts, and the thought that matters. i really appreciated being taken into consideration when people were preparing the gifts.

this year, while i'm no longer single, it's lonelier..

but all the same, thanks, my dear friends. i know i'm still in your hearts, and you all definitely are in mine too. all the best in finding your true valentines, and perhaps one day to us, this day will no longer be even thought of as "friendship day". haha. love.

and of course, happy valentine's day to weiren (:
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
11:34 p.m.

jaychou later
and here i am in the school library, wasting my time haha. i could go home but i feel too lethargic :p oh well. going for jay chou concert later and i admit that i bought the ticket so long ago that i barely remember i bought it. haha.

school has been okay in the sense that i am still following what's going on. i suppose that is because i have no friends!! to sit with during lecture and so i have nothing better to do and hence pay attention. it's good in a sense.. but it's a bit lonely and it gets depressing at times. math lecture is surprisingly easy so far.. but as cass n zara both said, it'll get harder as it progresses. i'm hoping that by paying attention, i wouldn't get lost.

i shall try to attend my lectures religiously.. despite how tempting it is to pon lectures. bleagh. and i guess i should stop sleeping late before my math lects.. they are at 8am and yesterday, i felt like a complete zombie. it was lucky that he was going through differentiation, which isn't very difficult yet. though i guess it was so easy and did nothing to wake me up.

met huili yesterday. i think we effectively sabo-ed some yellow hair waiter in sakae at wheelock. haha. he told me that they didn't have the soup i ordered. i was pretty miffed because he said it rather rudely :p so when the manager/supervisor came along, i asked him, "are all the soups not available?" and he looked damn stunned and asked what i meant. so i explained that i ordered the beef dunno what soup but they said they didn't have it anymore. then he told me they did! and they only didn't have the salmon one. so he asked who said it.. and i told him it was the yellow hair guy lol. anyway, we got our soup. but after that incident, all the staff who walked past us seemed to be staring at us.. was a bit weird lol.

anyway, completely random but, the good thing about going to science is that i actually do run into friends in the canteen now lol. i guess it's because the medicine + dentistry people share the science canteen too.

shopped yesterday. officially completed my new year shopping i guess, though i'd be happier if i had a pair of shoes too. oh well.. no rush and haven't seen a pair i really like. damn broke now though :(

my life currently seems so boring that i've no idea what to blog about.
Friday, January 18, 2008
12:56 p.m.

hehe update
well, a belated happy new year to all (:

been so so extremely long since i've blogged that i decided to archive to uhh.. not remind myself of how much i've neglected this blog. oh yeah, and since it's the new year and all.

school's gonna start and what i badly need to do is clear my desk. bleagh. and the prospect of getting lost alone trying to find my lts is not very appealing i must say. but all in all, i guess i'm ready to start university all over again. lunch with studio 8 on monday..

i feel bad coz i didn't meet up with charlene in the end. in fact, i didn't really see much of many people. call me zsqy but i guess i wanted to make the most of the 3 weeks i had with weiren. after all, it's another long five months before we'll meet again.

my new year's resolution is a disaster lol.

oh yeah, this is a tad bit late, but i have to say that i'm really glad for all my friends who have commissioned. despite the extremely long and arduous WALK into safti's parade square, i didn't regret watching it. you all seemed so happy (:

fine. that was really EXTREMELY belated.

and happy birthday, darrell (: thanks for being a great friend. haha. any mushier i think you'd die so yepp.. you know what i mean.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
09:50 p.m.